Weightlifting makes me feel like a total badass. I love how it makes my body look. Still working on losing my gut but if I would just slow down on the carbs I think it would happen faster.

Totally different topic, seriously, where are all these men coming from? There was a really nice looking guy at church on Sunday that kept checking me out and smiling. I didn't get a chance to talk him unfortunately. I mean, they are just seriously coming out of the woodwork. At work, at the gym, at church. This one guy seriously followed me around the gym the other day. Every machine I was on he had to be on the one next to me and chat me up. I was trying to count reps and I kept losing count because he was talking to me. Either that or I have been surrounded by men all along but I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and with my own baggage and getting over the ex that I didn't really notice. I am at a completely different, and much better, place in my life than I was even a year ago and feel ready to truly invite a new man into my life. Before I was trying to but I wasn't ready which is why the ones I met kept fizzling out.

Though I have my down moments, I am so incredibly happy and confident right now. For years I blamed myself for what happened with the ex. I know I'm not perfect and I know I depended on him for my self esteem, which is REALLY bad, but I really deserved better than how he treated me. I think J put it best when she said she used to get really mad at her ex because she saw what they could have had but he fucked it up for them both by being a total idiot. And I think that is a lot of what happened with me too. In my little brain I had this idea of how it was all supposed to end, which was basically with a wedding, a house and a family. When it didn't happen that way (and for him happened with someone else), I pretty much hated him because he took my fairytale ending away from me.

Now I realize that if it were meant to happen the I would have been the one in the big white dress reciting vows to him. It took me a very long time to get past that and accept it but now that I have, I see a future that is completely wide open. I am so excited about what my future holds for me. I can do what I want, when I want because I am not strapped down. I can quit my job tomorrow and travel around the country or start my own business. I limited myself by seeing only one possible ending for my life when there are so many out there I could have been dreaming of. By closing that chapter of my life, I opened the book to the next chapter.

I can't say I don't miss him sometimes and I do have a dream about him once in a while and wonder how he is doing but I depend on myself for my confidence now. I don't hate him anymore or even blame him. I am actually glad I had the experience of what I went through for two reasons; First, I know what it feels like to truly deeply love someone because I did love him for many, many years and second, I will never in my life ever let another man treat me like that again. I let him get away with it because I loved him and I didn't think I would be able to find another man that would want to be with him (low self esteem and all that). Now I know that there are men all over the place even here in the dumpy UV that would be interested in dating me.

In a way, I actually kind of feel sorry for the ex. I mean, he is missing out on the awesomeness that is me. I'm intelligent, pretty, funny, fit, optimistic, loyal, ethical, hard working and likable. I can fill out a sweater like Marilyn Monroe, quote Star Wars and Die Hard, handle a gun and cook a damn good Sunday gravy. I am pretty much every man's dream woman ... if I wasn't so damn independent. And there is also that whole stubborn Polish thing I have going on. And how I have to be right all the time. And I am a complete Type A about schedules and things. Also I am very VERY impatient. Just downright awful sometimes really. But the right guy will balance me out and help me not be so ... wound up. I really can't wait to see how my life turns out but for now I am totally enjoying the ride.