Epic battle

Today, I decided it had to be done. I had a war to wage and it couldn't wait any longer. I put my blueberry pie in the oven, got my gear together and suited up for battle. Like David vs. Goliath, like the Zulus vs. the British, like the Spartans vs....whoever, since I never got around to watching that movie. It was finally...me vs. the wasps.

I had discovered where they had built their nest a few days ago with the use of my handy binoculars I bought from Walmart years ago, when I thought I would take up bird watching. I never did, but I occasionally did some neighbor watching but only during their cookouts or really good fights.

The wasps had decided to put their nest directly under the highest point of the house, where the A frame roof joined together. I figured it would be easy to shoot them with my Wasp & Hornet Spray: Kills Bugs Dead I got from the local hardware store. It shot up to 20 feet and the nest couldn't be that far away.

I put on a long sleeve shirt, a pair of pants and tucked the pants into socks, just in case an irate wasp tried to sting me. I already had one sting and did not want another one, lest another part of my body swelled up unrecognizably. I went outside with my weapon of choice and started spraying. The goods news was, the spray really did shoot 20 feet. The bad news was, the nest was about 22 feet away. Mother trucker. Time for Plan B, only I didn't have Plan B.

After a few minutes of pacing, I realized I could open a window in the back and get the wasps from below. Sure, it would be tricky since it was a casement window and I would have to take the screen out, shoot to kill, then roll the window back up really quickly. But, it was worth a try.

I grabbed my spray, took the screen out, opened the window and leaned out and looked right up into the wasps' nest. Perfect. I started to spray the hell out of the nest, using a nice sweeping motion, as though the can were an M60. What a great idea, I thought to myself. That thought lasted about half a second. I had discovered a new enemy...gravity. You know that old cliched saying, What goes up, must come down? There is indeed a reason for that and it isn't a pleasant one.

After a little sputtering, and some swearing, I stopped to think. I could shoot in short spurts and duck back in the window so I didn't get soaked with bug spray. I could close my eyes and hope for the best. Or...I could use the plastic goggles I bought for a chemistry class I failed in college in 1994. Please don't ask why I still have them. Just know this is not the first time they have come in handy.

And the goggles worked like a charm. My eyes stayed safe and I am hoping the wasps are dead. I refuse to get on a stepladder and beat the nest down with a broom, which is what my father suggested when he found out they were too far away to burn. I am hoping I got enough spray in the little hole to kill, or at least maim, the wasps. I'll find out if they come back tomorrow with a vengeance. And in the time it took to spray the nest and write this blog, my blueberry pie baked to perfection.

I am dreading it but tomorrow, I'm going to have to go look at the nest and see if there are any survivors.

To be continued...