Ex-orcism

Last night, I was cleaning out my emails and I realized I still had emails from last year. A large amount of them were from him and I started to read the correspondence between us.

I deleted all of the emails except the last one I sent, because I thought it should serve as a reminder that I can't allow myself to be taken for granted ever again. I know the email was somewhat harsh but even now, I still can't regret what I said because I meant every word of it.

I always kept a little place in my heart open for him because I thought if I held on long enough, he would come back. We always seemed to find our way back to each other. However, I've realized though that it doesn't matter how much you love someone if he doesn't love you back. If I am willing to give up everything to be with a man--and I was for him, if he had only asked--I need to know he feels the same way about me, and unfortunately, this man did not. I know I need to let go so I can move forward with my life, which is so much easier said than done. It will take time but I fully believe that in the end, it will be for the best.

Update: After writing this post, for the heck of it, I decided to Google him. It had been so long since we had talked and I guess I just wanted to see if I could figure out how he was doing. He must be doing great because I found out he's married. And expecting a baby. Talk about a holy shit moment. I was certainly not anticipating that since it hasn't even been a full year since we stopped communicating and in that time, he met someone, fell in love, got married and is going to have a child.

I can't lie and say it didn't hurt like hell because in the back of my brain a part of me really truly did think eventually we would find some way to be together. I guess I just let his ghost haunt me for too long. But now-- after having a somewhat sleepless night to reflect on it--I am glad I know. I can really shut the door and move forward since obviously there is no getting back together. I guess part of me wishes he had told me himself but I can understand why he didn't because I'm sure my reaction would not have been congratulatory.

I know that there is a man out there that will love me for the beautiful imperfect person that I am and it wasn't him. Though I may not understand at the time why things happen, everything happens for a reason. It is a stupid cliche, but it is so true. Much like I was forced to leave my apartment last year and had to go through that nightmare, it worked out for the best for me. Even though I didn't know at the time what was going to happen, and I lived in limbo for four months, I am happier in my current place than I ever was at the last place. Not that this won't be difficult to get through, but I just have to keep looking at the positive and know that someone is waiting for me when I am ready for him.

So, this is my good-bye letter that he will never read. I am exorcising his ghost and moving on.